Die, Teletubbies, Die!!

They’re bright. They’re spasmodic. They squirm and gurgle “cute”, meaningless and high-pitched noises. They talk to themselves and sing one-word songs over, AND over, AND over again. When the Devil decided that there weren’t enough horrors in the world, he created…

The TELETUBBIES!!!!

It took careful thinking and long hours of hard work to come up with ways to kill these Satan’s spawns. Of course, now that I’ve gotten the flow, I can think of many MANY more but due to spatial reasons, I’ve restricted myself to presenting forth only 50 of these timeless, unfailing ideas. Let us build a world free of these demons. Warning: Some of these killing methods may be illegal in your area. Disposing of the body may also pose a problem. Please consult your local city clerk's office for a current copy of laws and regulations before carrying out your sacred act of saving the world.

1. Make the Teletubbies watch their own show.
2. Strap them tightly to merry-go-rounds in amusement parks and set the speed to “1000 RPM”
3. Make them referee an NBA game.
4. Take them bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord.
5. Attach them to electric diodes at 1200000V.
6. Send them to the Extreme Makeover show.
7. Mummify them.
8. Set them loose in a room full of hyper-active seven-year olds.
9. Bludgeon to teletubby paste.
10. Cut into thin slices, and serve.
11. Make them appear as guests on MIB. Write with bold black marker pens on their butt: “We will destroy the Earth.”
12. Smash all the pricey glass things in a shop and point your fingers at the Teletubbies until they are taken away.
13. Sharpen up the old wood ax and give them each a “Split Personality”.
14. Make them pose as Boeing Aircraft crash test dummies.
15. Shoot them.
16. Toss them into a blast furnace.
17. Make them listen to Backstreet Boys.
18. Tell Michael Jackson that there is a little boy in each of their costumes.
19. Cover them with honey, tie their hands and feet and bury them in anthills.
20. Lock them in a room with 10 rabid skunks.
21. Shave their fur. ALL of it.
22. Make them visit the local jail, shove them in a cell and let the frustrated convicts get them.
23. Bazooka blast to the butt.
24. Paste beards on to their faces and send them to Iraq.
25. Make them wear T-shirts that says “I Love Osama Bin Laden”, “Be Mine, Saddam Hussein”, tie them to a light post right in front of White House and scoot.
26. Make them take a bath in the Gulshan Lake.
27. Make them take a bath and drop a radio, microwave, hairdryer in there with them.
28. Use a magnifying glass to burn holes in their skull.
29. Hang them by those thingies on their heads.
30. Leave them alone with Barney the Dinosaur. Barney will try to give all of them a hug at once, thus stifling them to death, the way a Boa Constrictor does.
31. Then shoot Barney.
32. Ask them to make “oink oink” noises and watch them get clubbed by a baby seal hunter.
33. Set killer bees loose on them.
34. Acupuncture them with a needle gun.
35. Ask “What is the tensile strength of the Teletubbies?” to howstuffswork.com
36. Make them use my internet connection.
37. Make them stand at the bottom of an elevator shaft. Load the elevator with grand pianos, bring to the top floor and cut the cable.
38. Drop them in an espresso machine.
39. Drop them in a blender separately and use them as paints.
40. If there’s more of them left, sell them as lemon, strawberry, blueberry and orange flavoured children’s cough syrup.
41. Introduce them to smoking.
42. Drench them in gasoline and give them a cigarette. (Burn baby burn)
43. Make them volunteer as test subjects in a pain threshold study.
44. Take them to the Arctic. Tell them polar bears like to be hugged.
45. Move every other molecule in their bodies several inches in all directions until they closely resemble Picasso’s “Guernica”.
46. Slap some antlers on their heads and send them to the woods during November.
47. Cryogenically freeze him. Then cut out shaped pieces of their bodies, and use them as Legos.
48. Plant them to the ground during spring. Firmly.
49. Make them listen to your friend whose first boyfriend just dumped her.
50. Make them wear lipstick and throw a wig on their bald heads. Then desert them in an uncharted island inhabited by too many men with unnaturally high levels of testosterone in their blood.